Stars
by Kalistrata
Summary: My nick was formerly Maquina . . . Short fic on the event that everyone wants to happen most . . . HM. PG for minor language. First JAG fanfic . . . R


A short, sweet songfic . . . born of a favorite song and the need to avoid studying for my Economics test!  The song is Stars from the Cranberries Stars CD . . . check it out and don't do it illegally . . . the CD's worth the buy and they deserve money for their stuff.  

I just pumped this out in about an hour or less and I hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't hurt me please . . . I'll put 'em back in Bellasario's toy box when I'm done . . . I promise.

Rated PG for minor language (one word, I think.)

**Stars**

            Mac leaned against the west side of a sturdy oak and stared up in the sky.  The park was the only place she felt comfortable tonight.  Her apartment was smothering, her car too tempting.  She was afraid she'd start driving and never stop.

            Would this ever stop?  She loved him.  She readily admitted to herself here and now.  But she couldn't do that to him.  Ever.  He wouldn't understand.  He wanted her to change, to not be her.  To be like Annie, or Jordan, or Renee.  Not herself.

            A car pulled up behind hers and stopped, music drifting out to her.

            _The stars are so bright tonight, Mac thought.  __They're so gorgeous.  You don't normally see this in the city._

            "The stars are bright tonight," she heard over the wind.  "And I am walking nowhere."

            She slid down the tree to sit, smiling ruefully.  This person read her mind.  So far, the song perfectly described her tonight.

            "I guess I will be alright.  Desire gets you nowhere."

            Mac smirked.  That was the truth.  Look where it got her with Harm.  She'd loved him for a long time, ignoring it most of that time, putting it up as the love for a friend.  But where did she get this deep loneliness?  Why did she want more than anything to wake up every day of her life in the arms of that man?

            "And you are always right, my you are so perfect."

            Why did he always have to be right?  She thought back to the argument they'd gotten in today after work.  He'd accused her of being pious and sanctimonious.  She accused him of being thickheaded and selfish and thrown in anal for the fun of it.  He'd obviously been hanging around Sturgis too much to call her sanctimonious.  Jerk.

            "Take you as you are.  I'll have you as you are.  I'll take you as you are."

            Why couldn't he do that?  Just accept her!  He wanted her to change and she wouldn't.  She couldn't.  She'd changed enough for him.

            "I love you just the way you are.  I'll have you just the way you are.  I'll take you just the way you are.  Does anyone love the way they are?"

            She smiled ruefully.  No, not really.  She wished she could be who he wanted her to be.  Whatever it was, she wanted to be that woman.  If she was sanctimonious, she didn't want to be.  She just wanted to do the right thing and hope she'd come out on top.  So many times that scenario fell, leaving her in the right and stomped into mush on the ground.

            "The stars are bright tonight.  A distance is between us."

            She remembered when they'd been able to read each others minds.  They had been best friends in every sense of the word.  And then things had happened.  It had been going on a long time.  It wasn't just Paraguay, or Webb, or the aftermath.  Were recent events an indication of things to come, or a turning point?

            "And I will be okay.  The worst I've ever seen us."

            This was the worst and it sucked.  She didn't know if she'd survive without him.  If he would leave completely, or if they became enemies, she didn't think she could truly ever move on.  Oh, she could seem like it, go about day to day stuff for awhile.  Maybe a long while.  Maybe for the rest of her life.  But she would be miserable.  She _was miserable.  She wasn't okay.  Maybe one day . . . but not now._

            "Still I have my weaknesses, still I have my strengths.  Still I have my ugliness."

            Mac wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees.  _I would try, Harm, I really would.  Would you?_  Would he?  Would he take her weaknesses and her strengths in stride?  Would he deal with the ugly, dark parts of her?  She wasn't simple like Annie, innocent like Jordan, or charming like Renee.  She was complex, world-wise, and blunt.  That's what made her . . . well, her.

            "But I . . . I love you just the way you are.  I'll take you just the way you are.  I'll have you just the way you are.  Does anyone love the way they are?"

            Mac sighed and closed her eyes.  _Damn you, Harm.  _

            The music continued, finishing up the song.  She started when she heard a voice.  "Is the north side of this tree taken?" 

            She didn't turn.  "Nope."

            "Mac, I'm sorry," he said as he sat down.

            "I've heard that before."  It came out harsher than she intended.

            "I know."

            They were silent for a while.  Harm broke the silence.

            "I've been the biggest idiot that ever existed, Mac.  I've had exactly what I needed in front of me for a long time and I refused to accept that.  I couldn't be content.  I had to look for something better.  I sat and thought a long time tonight.  I thought about what's been going on lately.  I've changed and I haven't liked it, but now I realize it's for the better.  It's a good change."

            Mac turned to look at him.  Hope, flimsy as this feeling was, began to emerge from its dormancy.  

            "I can be happy with my Stearman and not an F-14.  I can be happy living in one place the rest of my life.  I can be happy running an airfield and working at JAG.  Even could be happy crop dusting.  And most of all: I realized that now I might actually be worthy of entering your life."

            He shifted his body and smiled at her.  "For so long, I wanted you to change, to fit me.  And all along, I didn't realize that you weren't the problem.  It was me.  You were ready to settle down, to have kids, to be a wife.  I wanted to go out and save the world.  I wanted to fly all over in my F-14 shooting down bad guys.  I thought because I was good at it, that I should do it."  He shook his head ruefully.  "According to Maddie, I'm too old to go out and save the world."

            He sat, waiting for her to answer.

            "I . . . honestly don't know what to say," she said softly.  

            Harm shrugged.  "I don't know that you actually have to say anything.  I'm not asking anything from you.  I'm telling you what I've found out.  I wouldn't blame you if you just asked me to stay away.  I don't deserve your trust or your love.  All I ask is that some day you might forgive me for being such a jerk."

            Her cheeks reddened slightly, hoping he couldn't see that in the dark. 

            Harm cocked his head.  He must have sensed her sudden tenseness.

            Mac grinned sheepishly.  "I just called you that earlier."

            "Good, 'cause I deserved it."

            "Harm . . . I'm not going to say that you're wrong, 'cause you're not.  Everything you've said was true.  But I haven't exactly helped things along either.  My temper, Webb, my pride . . ."

            "Neither of us is perfect, Mac."

            "We can deal with that, can't we?" she asked in a small voice.

            He was contemplative.  "Yeah, I suppose we can."

            "Was that you're car playing that song?"

            "Yeah.  I thought it was appropriate.  It's true."

            "What?"

            "I love you the way you are, Mac.  I don't want you to change a single bit."

            She felt tears well up, tears that had been waiting for years.  Tears of happiness that a dream was finally coming true.

            "Don't cry, Mac," he whispered, drawing her close.  "I hate when girls cry."

            She sniffed.  "Well, you better deal with it, flyboy.  I cry at weddings."

            He chuckled.  "Do not.  You didn't cry at Bud and Harriet's."

            "Yeah, but I cry at my weddings."

            "Is that a proposal?"

            She snuggled up to him, drying her tears on his shirt.  "No.  But it's a proposal for a proposal."

            Harm shifted and brought something from his pocket.  "Then I guess it's good I brought this."

            He opened the small jewelry box and she sat up.  "Oh my God . . ." she breathed.

            Going to one knee, he looked her in the eye.  "Mac, will you marry me?"

            "You'll have to put me in Leavenworth to keep me away, Harm."

            Laughing he put the ring on her finger.  "A simple 'yes' and passing out would suffice."

            She shrugged and settled back down with him.  "I wanted to make it memorable.  And I'm a Marine.  I don't pass out."

            He pulled her close and kissed her lips softly.  "I know.  That's why I love you."

            "You know the office is going to be spinning with the sudden changes going on."

            "They can deal with it.  'Cause I'm not letting you go for a long, long, long time."

            They stared contentedly up at the stars for a long while.  Harm thought Mac had gone to sleep when she suddenly spoke.  "What made you come to all those conclusions, Harm?"

            He laughed softly, almost as if he were privy to a private joke.  "Let's just say that kids have a way of pointing out the most profound things.  Maddie informed me that if I didn't shape up and marry you, that she'd start finding me dates."

            Mac laughed.  "I like her."

            He sighed, mock painfully.  "I was afraid of that.  I knew you too shouldn't meet."

            "I love you, Harm."

            "Me too, jarhead.  Me too."


End file.
